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So, here’s the start of me catching up. It’s going to be cut for length, but read on.  Fear not (or regret, as you will), there is minimal controversy within.   

April was supposed to be a bit of a break after a 100k month that included starting-and-finishing a novel.  It’s been a break.  I’ve done very little except write some with B (and I’m only getting anything done because of her).  I’ve hated every minute of it.  This is one reason I don’t want to go to Homewood for two months.

I feel lost without my deadlines and lists.   I don’t like it a bit.  I love being productive.  The problem is that when I’m not, I forget that I can be.  Being productive and pro-active isn’t such a part of my paradigm yet, after years of illness, that I can drop any vigilance.  Today, I read over the calls from a publisher I like, made a list of the ones I wanted to do, and started putting them into my calendar.  I feel better already.

I am so tired of being inert.  It’s horrible.  I’ve been inert so long without having any choice.  I’m going to go for a walk later, maybe with Tirehead the Unwalkable (aka Princess Shira of WHAT IS A LEASH FOR AGAIN?!).  Someone’s got to clue her in on the idea that she is NOT a 75lb yo-yo with a tail.

So, yes.  I hate April.  I am so confused and I don’t even have anything to show for the month except for what I’ve done with B (and yes, it’s not bad and I should be happy, and I love doing things with her and she is fabulous) and a head full of bad TLC/Slice shows.  Maybe I’ll write What Not To Wear BDSM porn and call it all research.  You know.  Because I can.

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I’m an aggregator.   Lately, my mind has been awash with feminism, anti-racism, pro-porn/anti-porn, writing, and other thoughts.  I’ve been reading tons of new blogs.  I’m regretting the loss of a blog I was just starting to read, but I understand why it’s gone and I can put on my big white girl panties and go out and learn without it, especially given the reasons it’s gone.  The more I’m learning, the less I post, usually, unless something sets me off monstrously.  I’m still mulling things over around the abortion art project at Yale and I need to follow up on it.

Damn blogosphere with so much going on.  I don’t want to say anything singular yet,  because there’s all these new connections growing in my head and I want to just let them thrive in the dark.  At this point, it’s not that I don’t want to be told I’m wrong as I don’t want the subconscious underpinnings to be displaced.  I’m more than capable of altering my thinking, it’s just that when it comes to home truths, I think I need time to let it all get strong.  These are home truths.  Not just about other people, but about me relating to the world, and about my brain and my illness (can’t forget the research on neuroplasticity).

Then something will come along and I will shock myself with what I really think and how strongly I think it.  Sometimes, I wonder if me and I are two separate women living in the same space, one going out and surviving in the world and the other sitting in the safety of her room and learning and changing and developing opinions.  Suddenly, the latter speaks up, out loud and into the world, and the former says, “what the fuck are you doing, rocking the boat so hard?  I have to go out there tomorrow, and look what you did!”

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Some of you may have caught from my Twitter (the name is so appropriate) posts that I have been in a bit of a rumble with Mystic’s school.  The lead in is as follows:

• last Thursday, the school announces that they are ‘cracking down’ on inappropriate dress, due to the warm weather bringing out the belly shirts and short shorts
•  last Friday, Mys stays home and I take her out to buy clothing that specifically in no way contravenes the school board’s dress code.  Here I quote the relevant portion:
  • Clothing that is revealing and show an excessive amount of skin such as: muscle shirts, low cut necklines, inappropriate tops with spaghetti straps, bare midriffs, and open back are unacceptable. Shirst must be ‘tuckable’ and not excessively tight. Shorts and skirts must be a reasonable length. Low-rise jeans, short shorts, lycra and biking shorts are unacceptable. Undergarments should not be visible.

• Monday, Mys wears to school a short-sleeved, hip-length T-shirt that does not reveal her cleavage or the tops of her breasts, a pair of capri-style sweat pants, socks, and skate shoes
• Monday, Mys is removed from a class event because her shirt is ‘questionable’, sent out into the hall with other girls, and made to bend over so that the female guidance counsellor can check whether or not it is possible to see down her shirt
• Monday afternoon, I make a furious call first to the vice-principal in which I tell him in no uncertain terms how inappropriate shaming, harassing behaviour is no matter what a student is wearing.  He informs me that this is school policy.  I tell him I will be discussing this with the school board.  He gives me a ‘fine, go ahead and do that if you need to‘.  (You bet I need to, buddy, and thanks for the permission I didn’t need.)  He then apologizes if Mys has ‘felt badly’ about it, going on about how great a volunteer she is in the office, what a great athlete and student.  She is, thanks.  I knew that.  He also reiterates that it was a female employee who did it and that Mys wasn’t the only one.  Shockingly, I tell you, I am NOT mollified.
• Monday afternoon, I make an even more angry but civil call to the junior superintendent in which I tell her I feel my child has been harassed, outline the situation, and ask her to consider how she would feel if this happened to her at her job.  I tell her that the minimum standard of protection I expect my child to receive in school is the same protection afforded to her in her work situation.  She tells me the senior superintendent will be following up.
• Wednesday afternoon, I receive a message from the superintendent, but am out of the house.
• Thursday morning, I call back.  She is in a meeting but leaves it promptly to take my call.  The first thing out of her mouth was, “That won’t be happening anymore.”  You bet your damn ass it won’t.  I’m just glad it got worked out at this level.  When her email inquiry was not fruitful, she made phone inquiries to the principal and vice-principal and by the time she actually got to speak to them — SHOCKINGLY — they had already decided between them that this was a bad idea.  No shit, Sherlock.  I am not going to let you hide abuse my my daughter behind ‘but a woman did it!’  (Please link this point, and the whole incident, back to some of my fury at the excuses around the OSBP.)
• Tomorrow, I will be calling the school to arrange for the vice-principal and the counselor who assaulted my child to apologize to her — by her request.  She is also requesting that the counselor apologize in general to all the grade 7&8 girls because by her count ‘at least twenty’ girls were subjected to the same thing.  She does not have to return to school without an apology.  Hell, she doesn’t have to return at all, but I am not recommending that she return without knowing that she is respected.
  
• General point of pride — Mystic questioned the entire process when it happened to her and, on noting that the clothing check was more severe than the posted rules, asked the counselor what she planned to do with students who were unable to afford to buy new clothes to fit her agenda.  This was one of the things that made her most angry.  Not everyone can afford new clothes and they shouldn’t have to suffer for it.
  

So, now you’re a little bit caught up.  Enjoy!